[Saturday August 21st, 2004] byebye to livejournal. &CMNT (1!)

[Thursday August 19th, 2004] sometimes i hate freedom of speech. what the fuck gives doctors the right to tell teenagers that theyre overweight. it's happened to three of my friends so far. all of which are beautiful and thin, and i know for a fact that i weigh more than each of them. so i'm just waiting for a doctor to tell me that i'm overweight. because i swear to god i'll explode. if we're overweight, then you better fucking pay for the 1 to 2 month hospital bills and the 2 month day treatment program bills and the nutristionist bills and the therapy bills when all of them become sick with an eating disorder. thanks. and on that same note, since when do other grown adults feel the need to tell someone, that they hardly know, to lose weight? so my mom is a hairdresser and we have a salon in our house. and one of her customers was like.. "i want to say something to you but you might get mad at me. i'm not asking you to do it for me, but to do it for yourself. you should really think about losing some weight." what. the. fuck. seriously, what is wrong with people these days. another thing that's been bothering me. this whole family deal. not my immediate family. havent spoke to my moms side since i was a little girl. probably since i was 7. and they live next door. so whatever. that's not a big deal. i've been used to that situation for years now. i think i've wrote before about my family situation. my dads side had a falling apart 2 years ago or so. between them and my parents. not me and brit. ever since, they have never called on my birthday. they've never sent me even just a card. nothing. whatever. normally i wouldn't care. and i never really have. except for the fact that they send brittany cards. and money. and for her graduation too. yeah. i saw them in the beginning of the summer at the festival. i went up and gave my grandma a hug because i never see her anymore and she always sends me things and sent me a huge basket when i was in the hospital. so my aunt.. uncle.. cousins.. their kids.. were all there too. so we all hugged and whatnot. they took out their cameras and took pictures. haha. we talked for awhile. all that. so i thought maybe things would be a little different. my birthday comes around. nothing. even though they sent brit stuff. and even though we had just had that whole encounter thing or whatever. i duno. whatever. it's really nice to know that no one really cares about you. at all. nicole vaughn finally came home from vacation. and i missed her dearly. :( ope. dan latham is home from vacation too. yay :) erika is leaving me for vacation. and i think i may shoot myself. :( anyways. lately i've been going to the gym religiously. for an hour and a half every day. so yay to me for that. even though i did scare myself tonight there. alot. long story. yeah. went out with jord last night. hung out with rua andddd joe. hung out in parking lots as usual. went to branford point. fun times though. went to marias [[the nutristionist]] this morning. last time i'll see her until december probably since she's due next week. so that was interesting. yeahhh. stopped at the trumbull mall on the way home. pants shopping can actually go kill itself. if that's possible. got a new bag from pacsun. shirts from wetseal. sweater from pacsun. yeah. fun stuff. came home. said bye to dad since he left for florida for a day or so. went to the gym where i saw miss brittany swirsky. also known as the girl i used to hate and want to kill. i wanted to drown her in the pool at a picnic. and she wanted to slit my throat. but now we love eachother, so it's all good. school is soon. thank god. i'm actually really excited for it. besides the point that i'll hardly see jordyn seeing as how she goes to sacred heart. hmph. yeah the end. &CMNT (2!)

[Wednesday August 18th, 2004] woke up and went to erika's beach. it was me, erika, alyssa, sarah, dave, daves friend, and zack for a little. it was fun. as usual. came home. went to the gym. went to the movies to see "the village". didn't hate it, didn't care for it too much. all i have to say is, "you neednt worry". ha. hm. my hair was getting thicker. but. the trichotillomania is getting bad again. and so i'm really pissed about that. i try to please too many people at once. and it always backfires on me. if i try to help someone. i feel like it hurts someone else. because half the time it does. and i can't deal with any of it anymore. i'm at the point where i really dont care about myself, at all. i really don't care if i'm in pain or if i'm hurting, because chances are i know i deserve it. or at least i think i do. it's just that i'm not capable of being in a position or situation that i feel completely torn in. i can't do it. i can't deal with it. because i don't want to let anyone down, at all. and i always do. and i hate myself for it. absolutly hate myself for it. i haven't seen jordyn since she's come home from the cruise. which makes me really sad. yeah. :( driving school tommorow morning. shoot me. &CMNT (3!)

[Monday August 16th, 2004] john mayer/maroon 5 concert was awesome. lawn tickets suck badly. but things ended up eventually getting better. met maroon 5 :) they wouldn't allow us any autographs because it would take too long, but we got to take pictures with them. so it was all good. driving school this morning made me want to shoot myself. yeah. talked to my old roommate from the hospital from guilford, sarah. her friend is coming to BHS this year and is in my grade, so we might all get together sometime. i haven't seen sarah since she left the hospital. but now she has her license and she's in branford alot since her friend moved here.\ jordyn called me tonight. which made me really happy. I miss her soooo much. She sounded like she had a ton of fun on the cruise, doesn't sound like she's very excited to come back to branford, which sucks. but yeah. she called me when she was in georgia. so she said she should be back in branford around 12 tonight probably. so hopefully we'll get to hang out tommorow. skipped the gym for the past two nights, which sucks. so i'll be going tonight. yeahhh. ( Maroon FOUR, anyone? ) &CMNT (7!)

[Sunday August 15th, 2004] slept over erikas last night. watched Secret Window and ate a lot of food. yep. it was a lot of fun though. nicole left for maine. she called me last night to tell me that lisa loeb is playing a concert up in maine for free tonight. wow. i would kill to be there right now. absolutly kill. people piss me off. you get back what you deserve, so i don't feel sorry for you in the least. that's all about that. so erika woke me up this morning at 10:30. went to the market for breakfast. went to alyssas and hung out there for awhile with vinny and then we went on her stepdads boat with her brother and killian. we all met up with Mr. Dave Dacey a little later, went to the market for icecream, went to the Owenego to visit sarah at work. stayed there for awhile. mom picked me up. now i'm here. talked to vin on the phone alot tonight. he leaves tommorow for guitar camp. i understand him alot more after tonight. i think i understand him alot more than most people do. because i've been in his positions too many times. me and erika go to the john mayer and maroon 5 concert tommorow. and meet maroon 5 tommorow. jordyn comes home in two days. thank god. :) &CMNT (6!)

[Thursday August 12th, 2004] went to urban outfitters today. found a shirt on the sale rack that i REALLY liked. but it was too big. bought this loose, thin over sweater thing. in this like, extremely bright aqua color. i love it. so mom goes to me in the car, "so jamie, wheres that club that you went to that other night?" so apparently someone told her about how i went to Image that one night. not like i was afraid to tell her, because id doubt shed care, but i just didnt because i just didnt want to hear her say no. so i just said i was going out. so she said she knew i went and she didnt care but to tell her next time. cool. so i came home. and out of curiousity i asked my sister if she told my mom about me going to Image. and she was like. no, but didnt you write about it in your journal? anddd yeah, i did. but i asked her why that would matter. and she said, "well, mom reads your livejournal. or at least i know she used to" and i asked her how she knew that. and she said because moms asked her about things in it before? what the fuck? so naturally, i go in my room and am upset. mom asks whats wrong. i tell her "dont fucking talk to me" and then tell her what brit told me. then my mom asked brit about it. and brit denied saying anything to me about it. so mom promised she doesnt read it. but. i dont know. was in a bad mood tonight. about a lot of things. about my weight. it's because im not happy with my body. its because i need to go shopping for school clothes soon, and it scares me. because. i dont want to. i dont want to see how my sizes have gone up. i'm 5'5. i used to weigh 75 pounds. i've gained over 50 pounds. in the past year and a half. how gross is that. but at the same time, i'm officially just like. fuck anorexia. i'm done with it. it ruined my life at one point and now my life is finally back almost to normal. went to the gym for a good hour and a half tonight. alot was on my mind. so yeah. the guy who works there was walking around. and he came up to me. and he was like. "do you do a lot of sports" and i was like. "no, i dont do any" and hes was like. "because your legs are very strong and built" what the fuck. and then he asked if my mom had strong legs too because maybe thats where i got it from? weird. -me and erika meet maroon 5 and john mayer this sunday. -jordyn comes home monday. -mr. dave dacey comes to branford tommorow until tuesday. called masella 20 minutes ago or so. havent talked to him since the party, gregapalooza. so we chatted for awhile. XxX6DACE6XxX: you get off and on and away more than i though one persion could do so true. when i take an away message off, i have to sign off and sign back on. same thing when i put an away message on, i have to sign off and sign back on before i can put it on. OCD much? really random post tonight. yeah. &CMNT (2!)

[Thursday August 12th, 2004] today. woke up at 8:30. earliest ive woken up all summer. went to driving school for 9. it was boring, but ill deal with it. went out with mom for a little today. went to the gym with nicole tonight. me and nicole attempted to go to the hammer feild carnival. literally were 5 people there besides us. so we walked to the center of town, nicole got her coffee, and we called dan and joe to hang out with them. so they picked us up. we drove around for awhile. ended up going to the point, hung out there for awhile and caused some drama. ended up at wendys which is the place i always seem to end up at. really fun night. it was sooo much fun to hang out with nicole and joe and of course, finally mr. daniel latham. but he leaves me for college soon. :( CMNT (0!)

[Tuesday August 10th, 2004] went to the mall with brit again yesterday. bought $90 worth of stuff from Wet Seal (knee length skirt, really cute tanktop, sweater thing) which is new for me because i never spend that much. um. one of lisa loebs songs was playing in the mall. "dance with the angels." i was amazed. that made my day. came home and went to the gym. today = went to get my permit. thought i wasn't going to pass because i didnt know the answers to 3 questions. but, i guessed and i ended up getting every question right. went to Phils and signed up for driving classes. went driving with my mom down some backroads. came home and went to the gym. saw jordyn's lover there. which once again made me realize how much i miss her. 5 days until she comes home. oh yeah. got a letter from emily yesterday. i love her. ha. she sent me a tinkerbel bellybutton ring too, for my birthday :) i love it. i've realized that i'm not going to try to stay/become friends with someone when they dont give a shit about you. its just useless. have you ever had a song thats like.. connected to someone? i hate it. i really do. certain songs. all the way from back to 6th grade. are just so connected with certain people. and i cant listen to them. updated the photo album site. http://photobucket.com/albums/v68/x1jam/ &CMNT (2!)

[Monday August 9th, 2004] hm. yesterday did nothing. i can't really remember. so i guess it wasn't important if i did do something. last night went to bobbys house. yep. went to the mall with my sister this morning. got a volcom shirt from pacsun. yep. came home by noon since we had a family/familyfriends party for my birthday that was friday. got a lot of money. gift certificates. a spa day with my sister. a new phone. digital camera. clothes. yeah. :) toads place tonight. went with erika, lyss and sarah. everyone was there though. connie, laur, leah, nicole, kate, steph, cadah, dana, giovanni, rick, and a ton of other branford people. saw colin and pat. attempted to talk to them but it turned into one of the most akwardness moments ever. haha. yeah. did a lot of solo skanking with erika. and leah and lauren and motti and lyss and everyone. but most of all, giovanni. because, well, i never see him anymore. and he is the coolest kid ever. but yeah. saw mr. christopher vere tonight. i saw REBECCA tonight. and JILL. which made my night. if i could like. mesh rebecca and jill together, i would want to be that person in a second. they are so awesome. i love them. ha. i like, never see either of them though. besides at random shows. yeah. but i still love them :) tat was awesome as usual. Mike Greenberg was amazing. HOAX was really good too. Under a Falling Sky was.. loud. as usual. they're okay. don't really remember the other bands. yeah. but it was a really fun night. :) the end. &CMNT (2!)

[Friday August 6th, 2004] so jessie came over yesterday around 6. she came to the gym with me around 7 which was amusing. i can't believe the last time we saw eachother was almost an entire year ago. i've missed her. went to friendlys with nicole. came back to my house and we rented gothika and watched that. dressed up in tiaras and cowboy hats and all the other amusing things i own. and took pictures. lots. went to six flags today. me, jessie, nicole v, and erika. went on superman first. the second ride completelyyyyyyyyy destroyed me. i dont even know how to explain the ride. it's pretty new i think. never saw it there before. you lay down in your cart thing on your stomach. and like. you spin around like you're flying. ha. but then it just starts twirling and going upside down and shit. and ahhh. i died. i was sick for the next couple hours. i started feeling better and the rest of the day was a lot of fun. saw curtttttt which was awesome. me and nicole befriended jarrett, who worked at one of those booths where they can guess your weight, birth month, or age. jess and erika were on a ride and we walked around and found the booth and he was really bored and wanted to guess all of the things for me? my weight,month and age. i dont know. it was confusing. in the end i told him how it was my birthday and that i should get a prize anyways. and he said we had to give him something in return? what the fuck? then he told nicole she should give him her soul. so she wrote on a peice of paper "my soul" and gave it to him. he ended up giving me a stuffed animal that i wanted. and then he told nicole to sing in the microphone "my heart will go on". so she took the microphone from him and started singing happy birthday to me. ahhahahaha. he ended up letting her have a prize. we took pictures of him. oh man. we love jarrett. so yeah. fun day. now i'm home. everyone's gone. giancarlo IMed me in an attempt to sound like a nice person by saying happy birthday to me. ( is he not a dick? ) &CMNT (2!)

[Thursday August 5th, 2004] soo today. woke up. watched tv. went to erikas beach around 1:30 or so. met up with kate and we went to the market for lunch. walked back to erikas beach and made a stop at the Crack House to visit nicole. so went back to the beach and joe and ray and sarah and forrrrrrrrest paige who i havent seen in years joined us. saw pat, chris, and mr GIOVANNI drive by. which was exciting. because i love giovanni. went with erika to go babysit lucy. which was interesting. came home. my parents left because they "just had to go out for awhile". so i was stuck home all night tonight. yeah. um. jessica. rose. fucking. van. dusen. is coming to my house tommorow at THREE. i haven't seen her since the fall. wow. me and her were like. bestest best best best friends last summer when we went to NY for a week for this convention for acting. and then we got in stupid fights and stopped talking as much. but shes coming tommorow at 3 and sleeping over and then joining me, erika, nicole, and hopefully steph and audra at 6 flags on friday for my birthday. =) JordyBaby722: i love you. goodbye :-( jordyn's leaving me. my besttttttttttest friend will not be present for my birthday. :( but i still love her. :) and i miss her already. bleh. &CMNT (2!)

[Wednesday August 4th, 2004] hmm today. went to the movies with bobby around 3:30. saw The Manchurian Candidate. not a type of movie i would usually see, but i have to admit it was pretty good. so then me and bobby met up with jordyn. greg ended uip coming over jords house too. we attempted to watch a movie but then just ended up playing hardcore Monopoly. fun times. tonight was my last time seeing jordyn for TWELVE days. she's going on a cruise. i seriously might just die. i don't have a clue in the world what i'm going to do without her. jessica van dusen will be joining me on friday on the escapade to 6flags and i couldnt be more excited to see her. i miss her times infinity. on that note. my birthday is friday. thanks. i want to see molly and jessie soon. my renfrew girls. one more time before jessie goes away to college :( and before the summer ends. haven't seen dana all summer. we say we'll get together, but we never do. so i'm just giving up on that whole situation. yeah. aggravated with a lot of things. upset over a lot of little things. today was just one of those shitty days. tommorow will be better, hopefully. &CMNT (4!)

[Monday August 2nd, 2004] it's august 2nd. what the fuck. summer is almost over. my birthday is in.. 4 days. this friday. 16 years old. yippy. so yesterday was blah. just a really big hangover day. yeah. went to nicoles last night. went out with mickey for awhile which was fun and entertaining as usual. slept at nicoles, which i havent done in a while. so it was nice becauseeee ive missed her alot. woke up this morning at nicoles realizing i had chad and jenas party today. so came home and rushed there. and that was fun. got to talk to devyn alot who i havent seen much of this summer. went to the gym with jordyn as usual. then we went to bobby's house and went to greg's hockey game. came home. yeah. it was a fun night as usual though. jordyn leaves THURSDAY to go on a cruise for ELEVEN DAYS. i actually don't have a clue as to what i am going to do without her. cant even talk to her on the phone. shoot me. which then got me thinking about when the summer ends. and when i wont see jordyn every day. and everyone else. and blah. i get worried that we'll drift apart, and she'll find better people since we go to different schools. and bleh. hmm. the end. &CMNT (2!)

[Sunday August 1st, 2004] so last night could possibly have been one of the worst nights i have had in a long, long time. went to the gym with jord. then went over to her house to get ready for greg's party. amanda and megan picked us up, we stopped at mcdonalds on the highway which may have been the funniest drivethru experience of my life. it was just. so so so so funny. so all was going good. we get to gregs house. and everythings fine. i see mezz for the first time since me and giancarlo broke up, and it was good seeing him because ive missed him. rua was there.. bobby.. bo.. masella came later.. i dont really remember who else. bobby got me and jordyn a huge bottle of bacardi 511 or something. i think i took around.. 10 shots. literally. plus im on medication. and i looked up what happens when you're on prozac and you drink.. and it says everything affects you twice as badly.. so like.. 1 shot is really 2 shots. so my 10 shots was really 20 shots? and then giancarlo shows up. and i didnt think he was going to come. so i see him, and i start drinking even more because i just dont want to remember seeing him. which apparently worked, because i remember him being there.. but hardly. mezz and bo threw me in the pool. i thought i was going to drown i couldn't stand up. jordyn tried to pull me out but it took awhile. after that.. i just really dont remember what happened. jordyn tried to fill me in about what happened though. i guess i went down to the fire and just was in the chair passed out. bobby was with me a good majority of the time just sitting there with me which was really helpful. someone told jordyn that she needed to come help me.. and she found me and it was around 11:30 and my aunt was coming to pick me and jordyn up at 12. so i was trying to throw up to get it out of my system and so that i wouldnt black out anymore.. but i couldnt do it. jordyn stuck her fingers down my throat to try to make me throw up.. apparently i threw up on her. sorry jord. so its 12. and my aunt calls to say shes there. and im still passed out in the chair and i cant see anything straight. giancarlo attempts to pick me up to bring me to the car because he wanted to "help me" but i think i just yelled at him. i got to the car. somehow. i got in the car. somehow. passed out in the car and threw up in jordyns bag. sorry jord, again. i guess i got home.. jordyn couldnt sleep over anymore, obviously. my dad was sleeping.. thank god. so he doesnt know any of this happened. my mom does though. she came outside to the car to try to get me inside and i stumbled and fell out of the car. somehow i got inside. and now i'm here. i didnt actually see giancarlo last night. i did, but i didnt. i really dont remember. i just know he was there. and tried helping me? and i hate him for it. i hate him. i hate whenever i see him, because then i feel like hes breaking up with me all over again.. and then it hurts for the next couple days. i wanted to ahve a night where he wouldnt be there and i wouldnt have to hurt. didnt happen. i've only gotten drunk one other time in my entire life. which was at kit's party. and i wasnt even completely drunk. just a little. this night was the epitomy of horrible. and it's not going to happen. ever. again. okay so. i'm missing my new billabong sweatshirt that i bought yesterday at tjmaxx (tjmaxx=heaven). i think its in amandas car. i'm missing my ashlee simpson cd which has to be at gregs house.. at jordyns.. or in someones car. im allllssso missing my entire makeup bag. which has to be at jordyns or in amanda or megans car. i have one of my oldnavy black flip flops thats the right size, size 11, and then another one that is a SEVEN. so im guessing me and jord switched one of our shoes by accident? confusion. on another horrible note, today is august 1st. 2 years exactly since heather died. she would be turning 17 on august 11th. life isn't fair sometimes. i've been thinking about how i'm such a complainer. i complain and complain. about stupid things. like boys. and then i think back to heather and realize that she was 14 when she died. she didn't have much time to get to complain about things like boys. You want to dance with the angels? Then embroider me with gold, and I will fly with the angels, And you can dance with me. Sing with the angels? Then show me a song, and I will strum with the angels, And you can sing with me. Or you can dream of the angels in the air. <3*heather*<3 8.11.87 - 8.01.02 &CMNT (2!)

[Friday July 30th, 2004] friend's only post above this one. log in to see it if you're on my friends list. if you want to see it and you arent on my friends list, IM me for my password. CMNT (0!)

[Thursday July 29th, 2004] so yesterday consisted of me wanting to change everything. i changed my ringtone on my phone, haha. i changed the wallpaper on my phone. i got rid of over half of my clothes. so did brit. took some of hers. then i was really bored and decided i wanted to change my hair. so i put blonde highlights in it. don't really know why. it's easy when your mom is a hairdresser and you have a hair salon in your house though. went to the gym with jordyn as usual. we met up with rua, masella, chris, and bobby and decided to try to go to the east haven carnival. so we got there and masella and chris drifted away to other people, so it was me and jord and rua and bobby. and it was really boring. so we left. bobby drove jordyns car. so i went with him. and jordyn drove ruas car. so rua went with her. we attempted to go to the east haven bowling alley to go bowling, but apparently they close at 10. so just like last month when i first met rua and bobby, we just played arcade games for awhile. went to wendys in east haven and hung out in that parking lot for awhile. i dont think i have ever hung out in parking lots so much as i have this summer. hmm. dont know what else. things are okay. &CMNT (3!)

[Wednesday July 28th, 2004] so today. woke up late. around 12:30. kinda just stayed around the house and looked through clothes that brit was getting rid of. me and dan were supposed to hang out today but it just ended up not working out. talked to jordyn and we planned to go to the gym, go to her grandma's to eat, then go to the east haven carnival with masella and chris. so we went to her grandmas first for dinner. then came back to branford to go to the gym.. but had some difficulties once we got to the gym and ended up just walking in and then walking right back out. literally. of course, it started to rain soooo we couldn't go to the carnival. but hopefully we eventually will one night this week? but we met up with masella and chris anyways. and this kid dave and another kid dave. so it was the 6 of us for the night. really shitty night. at one point or another, one of the 6 of us was in a real pissy mood. so yeah. it wasn't too great of a night. called steph this afternoon. havent seen her in over 2 years. miss her a lot. i was always her 'big sister' and she was always my 'little sister' in the hospital. she was the first and only person i could ever relate to completely. so we talked for a little and then i asked her if she could come to 6 flags with me and some friends on august 6th. and chances are, she can. which is really, really, really exciting. because i miss her so much. the asshole (which is what i will now refer to him as, because well, he doesnt deserve a name) situation is blah. got pictures developed today. of course he was in some of them. and then the whole gym incident. and so it was just way too much of his immature face for one night. so that kinda brought me down for the rest of the night. gotta work on that shit though. i don't deserve to be unhappy because i saw him or something. i think i'm going shipoping with jord in the morning so she can get an outfit for her senior pictures. i'm hanging out with daniel tommorow sometime hopefully. and nicole probably. and i'm also supposed to be hanging out with milles. so not really sure what tommorow will look like. i've realized that, well, i'm a bad friend. i'm not a good person, i'm really not. i try to please everybody at once and i just cant do it. i find out information from a best friend about another best friend and i'm torn because i understand where each of them are coming from. but one way or another, i end up having to choose sides in a way. and tonight i definitely know i chose a side. and it ended up backfiring on me. it's just that. i feel like a real friend is someone who wants to be around you. who makes the attempt to be around you. and accepts your offers of wanting to be around them. in a way. me and jord are in the same situation. she's my best friend. i'm her best friend. becca has hurt her.. but becca is one of my best friends and i love her and i feel horrible for distancing myself from her lately. and then giancarlo has hurt me.. but jordyn and giancarlo have been close friends for a while. so its kind of like. becca has hurt her, giancarlo has hurt me. yet we're still close with the people who hurt the other. confusing shit. &CMNT (2!)

[Tuesday July 27th, 2004] hmm woke up and went to the beach today with erika, sarah, alyssa, ray, joe, dan, and vinny. vin left early though :/ went in the water a lot. got attacked by horseflies even more. went to the market. then went home. fun times :) was supposed to go iceskating tonight with molly. but i think we just planned it way too late so it ended up falling through. but i'm pretty sure we're going to go wednesday night. :) sooo i haven't seen jordyn since the breakup. because that whole situation was just.. weird. but, ive missed her like crazy. so we decided to get together tonight :) she came over for a little and my mom gave me a lighter? and i guess brit was getting rid of a lot of her clothes and other stuff. so my mom came in my room with a bunch of awesome belts and asked me and jord if we wanted them. so of course we took like. 5 each. because we're really cool. she came with me to walgreens to drop off the dreaded film. with a lot of pictures of giancarlo and his friends and stuff like that. they wont be done till tommorow night. me and jordyn plan to have a party to burn the pictures eventually. anyone want to join? so we called masella and he was with chris so we decided to all meet up. of course, me and jordyn are complete failures at life and jordyn thought he said to meet at the afe bowling alley or something? when he really said A+P Super Food Mart. so first, masella completely told us to turn LEFT off the exit instead of taking a RIGHT. so we took a left. and it led us into the fucking downtown streets of new haven. we actually started screaming and almost crying and locked the doors and we were scared shitless. we turn down a road to try to turn around and there were just a bunch of little boys running through the street. and some voluptuious woman just comes out of no where prancing around the streets. oh man. such good times though. so we went the other direction trying to find the fucking bowling alley.. but of course we couldnt find it because it doesnt exist. finally called masella back in complete confusion.. got things straightened out. and met up with them. hung out in the parking lot most of the night. theyre so awesome to be around. so much fun. then we went to wendys in east haven and hung out in that parking lot for a while. had the most interesting and hilarious conversations ever. i couldn't stop laughing the entire night. hanging out with jordyn, chris, and masella again tommorow night i think. masella called me before and told me he's forcing me to come to the east haven carnival thing tommorow night. so i think that's what we're doing. THINGS THAT MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY 1) my mom won tickets for maroon 5 and john mayer. she won them during a bonus hour. now we get to MEET THEM. so i'm bringing erika of course. 2) jordyn told me things that made me smile so much. i guess masella used to think how me and giancarlo were perfect together and how our personalites matched so well. but then masella started realizing how much of a dick giancarlo always was to me (which he really was..) and how i was too good to be going out with him. apparently a good amount of other people have told jordyn the same things.. even when me and giancarlo were going out. how i'm too good for him. or something. and well, it just makes me feel really good. because, i didn't lose anything out of this whole situation/breakup deal. all i lost was giancarlo, which really was not a lot. ME AND JORDYN WANT TO GO TO THE ROLLER RINK SOON. the end. &CMNT (3!)

[Monday July 26th, 2004] wow. tonight was so much fun. first time in a while, or at least since the breakup, that ive had a really good time. or at least allowed myself to have a really good time. wanted to hang out with erika today. but i forgot brit had her concert at BHS with the rest of the choir that went to europe last week. so tonight. went to the club with jen spigs, cait kingsley, christine prota, steph prota and ash barry. didnt really tell the parents i was going. just that i was going out with all of them. i didnt want to take the chance of my parents telling me i couldnt go, because well, i really wanted to go. weird being around ashley. because me and her were like.. the most ridiculously close best friends from 2nd grade until 7th grade. but then she became 'popular' and moved on to bigger and better friends. but anyways. it was a completely different group of people tonight to hang around with, but it ended up being awesome and so much fun. saw masella there. giancarlos friend. and masellas friend chris. me, jord, masella and chris all went to the mall about a week ago actually. so it was really good seeing them again. danced with masella for a while. then danced with some other guy, dont remember his name. some random mexican guy started dancing with me, but spigs was there to pull me away from the guy. thank god. danced with some kid named rich whos 17? pretty good looking too. danced with masella some more. me and him actually danced a lot. which was kind of surprising since him and giancarlo are friends and whatnot. but masellas always been my favorite out of all of giancarlos friends anyways. so hopefully we'll keep in touch somehow. me and cait left around 11. got asked if we wanted a job with promotion for the club. so we said yes. so we went and gave the guy our information and now we have stacks of card flyers? and we have to put our initials on each card.. and pass them out and people bring it with them when they go to the club. and we get a dollar for each card thats brought to the club that has our initials on it. hmm. should be interesting. came home in a good mood of course. because it was a fun night thinking about boys other than the asshole giancarlo. hopefully iceskating tommorow night (monday night. and i guess its monday right. so i guess its really tonight.) still with molly. not sure if those plans will pull through or not? hanging out with daniel latham tuesday night mostlikely. hanging out with ryan sometime this week i think? hopefully hanging out with erika during the day a lot this week because i miss her. not sure what else. we'll see. "things are finally finally looking up." &CMNT (4!)

[Saturday July 24th, 2004] i get too attached to people too quickly sometimes. usually all of the time. and when you aren't expecting something bad to happen but then it does, it really hits you hard. these past.. 2 days? have been hell. i never thought i'd ever see myself so upset over a guy that i thought was worth the tears. but i think i've learned that it's easier to get over someone when they've proved to you multiple times how much of an asshole they are. these past 2 days have made me realize something so important. i really didn't ever think that many people cared about me. jordyn, becca, jen spigs, erika, kimmy, leah, nicole v, sarah, vinny, katie, devyn, mickey, molly, jessie w , stacey, chris v, chiara, giovanni, cadah, latham, steve, rebecca d, and linnea. i'm sure i'm forgetting someone important. but seriously, these twenty three people are absolutly amazing. they didn't just feel bad for me or say "i'm sorry" or something, they really talked to me and helped me out so beyond much. i've never felt so lucky in my entire life. so i've decided i need to get back on my regular schedule of life and stop being in a slump because of all of this. some plans being made already. so that means i need to start going to the gym again. hanging out with erika and everyone during the day. and hanging out with my other friends at night who i havent seen much of in this past month. hanging out with daniel latham and company tues or wed night..iceskating hopefully on monday night plus, i'm going to the club tommorow night. because i deserve to go out and have fun. i think tonight was kind of the cherry on top of proving assholeishness. or whatever. so i'm hopefully feeling that tommorow will be a new start. or at least a step up from today. in a way, i get screwed over in the end. because jordyn is best friends with giancarlo and always has been. and then me and jordyn became best friends recently. and this whole breakup deal. and its kind of torn a lot of things apart. of course, any guy shouldnt wreck a friendship of any sort. but, it's hard when that guy hurt you really badly and still gets to be friends with your best friend.. even though they were friends longer. it's a really sticky and confusing situation. and theres so much more to it then just that. and i don't know when it's ever going to get better... &CMNT (5!)

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